


a tiny autumn song

by Tsubame_go



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, kind of a critique of the idea of soulmates???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 08:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14667087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsubame_go/pseuds/Tsubame_go
Summary: Once, eternity had seemed like a gift.  Now, Jonghyun understood that it was a curse.





	a tiny autumn song

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a tumblr post. 
> 
> AU where after you turn eighteen, you stop aging until you meet you soulmate
> 
> title from Yuki Kajiura's My Long Forgotten Cloistered Sleep
> 
> thanks caillen and fran for helping me figure out what I wanted to do with this

The noonday sun blazed down across the pavement, and though it was only early summer it felt hotter than the midsummer days of Jonghyun’s memory long in the past. It was probably global warming or something, Jonghyun reasoned.  On days like this, it was hard for him to find the motivation to do anything.  Today he was sitting on a park bench, watching children in a nearby park play out of the corner of his eye. It had been a long time since Jonghyun had been that young. Centuries, in truth.  He couldn’t remember what his parents or sisters had looked like.  He had no photos to remember them by, they had found love, grown old, and passed out of the world before the invention of photography, and they hadn’t been rich enough to commission paintings.  Their descendants were probably still around somewhere, but Jonghyun had lost track of them over the years.

 

One of the children lost control of the ball they were playing with and it rolled under Jonghyun’s bench. He reached down to pulled it out, smiling as their eyes lit up when he threw it back.  For all they knew, he could be eighteen, just another college kid on summer break.  He was still youthful, no wrinkle had touched his face and his body was free of the ailments and frailness of old age.  It was to be expected, for someone who had yet to meet his soulmate.

 

At first he had been fine with it.  It had been sad when his parents had died, but he had still had his sisters and school friends all around him.  But after his sisters had both found their soulmates and begun to age, leaving him behind in youthfulness, it had begun to feel lonely.  Worse was when he had looked upon the wizened, wrinkled, old body of his sister as she lay on her deathbed. It became unbearable when the occurrence repeated itself with her children, then her grandchildren.  After that Jonghyun had taken care to stay clear of people who had already began to age.  It was too painful to become attach when he knew he’d outlast them.  He had even avoided having any connection to other for a while, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to bear to shut someone out of his life if they happened to meet their soulmate and wanting to spare himself the pain, but in the end he had failed at maintaining solitude.

_“What if we never find our soulmates and stay together for eternity?”_

 

Jonghyun stood up and shook himself.  The heat was getting to him.  He should know better than to ruminate on seasons long past.  He brushed himself off and left the bench, returning to his modest apartment.

 

Even though he could not pretend his dwelling in the big, noisy city was anything like the home he had grown up in, Jonghyun still tried to make it seem less modern and more familiar. He liked to keep candles and gas lamps instead of electric lights.  It felt soothing to him, to have things he had known all his life, unlike the automobiles speeding down the street or the skyscrapers obscuring the horizon.  If he focused on gazing deep into the flame of a candle sometimes for a split second he could imagine that he had just turned eighteen and the last several centuries were a just a fever dream.  It was stupid to kid himself, all he had to do was look around the room to be reminded of the numerous changes that had occurred since then.  Even if his face remained the same, the world around him did not.

 

Jonghyun felt tired.  Not the fatigue of age, Jonghyun would have joyously welcomed _that_ , but rather a kind of lethargy.  How many more centuries would he have to wait until he finally found his soulmate?  He didn’t want to wait, he longed for it. Yearned to finally be allowed to get old and die. That night he went to bed early, when the sky had only just started become dark.

 

*

 

_“We shouldn’t!” Jonghyun gasped, forcing himself away from the sweet lips which had just claimed his own. “We’re not soulmates!”_

_“So?” The man said, grinning at him like it was nothing.  It was easy to get lost in that smile. Too easy to drown in those eyes and forget that they were doing something they shouldn’t. “Who cares?”_

_“We’re only supposed to do things like that with our soulmates.” Jonghyun panted, still breathless from the assault on his mouth._

_The man laughed and Jonghyun felt his insides do a backflip.  “Fuck soulmates.” The man said with disarming casualness.  “It’s been two hundred years since I turned eighteen, you? I don’t want to wait anymore.”_

_Jonghyun looked down at his toes. “For me it’s been… about twice that I think.”_

_The man looked at him like he wasn’t sure whether he should believe Jonghyun.  “Yikes.” He finally said.  Then they were both laughing.  And his time it was Jonghyun who leaned in to join their lips together._

_*_

 

Jonghyun woke sweating in the earlier hours just before dawn. He didn’t know if it was the dream or the heat of the summer night.  It had been a long time since he had last thought about Minhyun.  Jonghyun blamed the hot weather; after all, it had been on a similar summer day long ago that the two of them had first crossed paths.

 

It had been in the halls old library, when they had both reached for the same Hanja edition of a Confucian text. Both of them had not yet adjusted to Hangul, preferring the writing system they had grown up with, and it had sparked a small quarrel between them until Jonghyun gave in and just chose a different book.  In the afternoon, when he walked home from the library, he had found Minhyun walking the same direction.  He had kept running into Minhyun at that library and Jonghyun had gotten to know him before he could think to realize that getting close to anyone wasn’t something he should do.

 

Jonghyun didn’t want to think about Minhyun. Minhyun, who had left him for that boy with strong eyebrows and never looked back, not that Jonghyun had wanted him to.  Centuries had past, but Jonghyun still hadn’t found it in his heart to forgive him.  Minhyun had made eternity seem like a gift, then snatched that airy fantasy away.  Eternity was more of a curse, and that had never been Minhyun’s fault.  Jonghyun shouldn’t’ve forgotten the pain of getting close to those he knew would leave. Somehow he had let himself believe that Minhyun would be different.  Minhyun had stayed with him for half a century, which about the amount of time many soulmates got.  Jonghyun should’ve been satisfied.  He wondered what Minhyun had looked like, old and frail on his deathbed. _We could have eternity together!_ Jonghyun could still hear those words ring in his ears.  A lie.  But what did it matter now, when Minhyun had been dead for centuries.

 

*

 

_Jonghyun found them on the garden path.  He had never seen the other man before, but Minhyun was smiling at him like he was an old friend._

_“Jonghyun!” Minhyun called out to him when he caught sight of him. “I want you to meet someone.”_

_It wasn’t until Jonghyun got closer, not until he looked into the man’s face, and then back at Minhyun, that he connected the pieces.  He was struck by how hollow Minhyun’s cheeks looked, it had only been a few days since they’d last seen each other, Minhyun had only rode over to another village for a few days to look for a scroll; it didn’t make sense.  He wouldn’t show that much strain from such a small journey…  Then Jonghyun realized._

_“He’s your soulmate, isn’t he?” Jonghyun asked calmly.  He saw the smile die in Minhyun’s eyes first, then the corners of his mouth fell.  Had he been planning on keeping it from Jonghyun? Had Minhyun really thought that he could lie by omission and everything would be fine? Just like he had lied to Jonghyun about having eternity together.  Jonghyun turned away quickly, setting a brisk pace.  He didn’t expect Minhyun to follow him but after a few moments he noticed the noise of his footsteps behind him._

_“Jonghyun-”_

_He brushed the hand away and quickened his pace._

_“Jonghyun!”_

_He kept walking, trying hard not to hear Minhyun._

_“Jonghyun nothing has to change!”_

_Unable to maintain his façade of indifference any longer, Jonghyun whipped around to face him._

_“Everything is going to change.” He spat.  How could Minhyun stand there before him, pleading with his eyes? Didn’t he realize how unfair he was being? Didn’t he understand that it was the end for them and there was no use to pretend otherwise?_

_“I mean, I wasn’t planning on leaving you, if that’s what you-”_

_“Well I’m planning on leaving you.” Jonghyun retorted._

_“Why?” Minhyun asked, having the audacity to look hurt. “Just because he’s my soulmate doesn’t mean I’m going to pick him over you.”_

_“That doesn’t matter.” Jonghyun said tiredly. “Even if I stayed, you’d leave with him eventually.”_

_“I just told you I won’t-”_

_“You’ll die, Minhyun!” Jonghyun shouted, finally losing his temper. He felt something hot and wet dripping down his cheek and hated himself for it.  Tears had never solved any of his problems over the last few centuries, it was stupid for Jonghyun to be crying again. “You’re going to get old and die while I’m still-” Jonghyun looked down at his hands, still smooth and unwrinkled despite the passage of time. “-still here.”_

_“You might find your soulmate too!” Minhyun argued.  It took all of Jonghyun’s self-control not to slap him._

_“I won’t.” He said coldly. “Minhyun, the best thing you can do for me now is leave me alone.”_

_“But I-”_

_“Please.” Jonghyun begged._

_Finally, after a long moment, Minhyun turned back and walked away, leaving Jonghyun forever._

_*_

 

Jonghyun still liked libraries, even after everything that had happened.  He liked the quiet.  In particular, he was fond of university libraries packed full of dense articles and old texts the average person would find too dense for pleasure reading.  Most of all, he liked all the old texts and ancient scrolls.  Not that they were ancient to him, who in many cases had lived through their first publications.  The best part was, only other people who frequented such places were harried university students and professors too intent on their own research to really notice anything else.  He was never disturbed.

 

It was nice to read the old texts, written in the old way.  The way people spoke had changed over the centuries, but at least Jonghyun could still find the language he had grown up with in the ancient books.  He liked to find an isolated corner of the library and focus only on the words. Try to ignore the modern fluorescent lights in the room or clack of a student typing furiously in a nearby study room.   He rarely spoke to anyone, only dipped his head to indicate someone could pass him between the shelves or apologize if he blocked someone’s way.  The library was supposed to be silent anyway.

 

Today Jonghyun wandered into the Japanese literature section and found himself in front of a shelf of Edo period Kusazoshi.  Recognizing a familiar title, Jonghyun reached for it only for a hand of someone he hadn’t noticed to close around the spin before he could grasp it.  Jonghyun didn’t draw his hand back in time and his fingertips brushed against the back of the stranger’s hand.  A shiver ran through him, shaking him to his core.  He had heard the sensation described a million times, but had long since given up on ever experiencing the sensation himself. Stunned, he whipped around to gaze upon the man, for it was a man, standing behind him.

 

He was tall, around the same height Minhyun had been, so Jonghyun had to look up to meet his eyes.  When they locked eyes, Jonghyun immediately noticed the innocence, the naivety, in that gaze.  He seemed to be beaming at Jonghyun in wonder instead of mirroring the shock Jonghyun felt at finally facing his soulmate.

 

“ _You_.” Jonghyun said after a long moment.  The man smiled tentatively.

 

“You.”  He repeated eyes never leaving Jonghyun’s. Jonghyun looked deeper, he felt sure, but he had to confirm it…

 

“How… how old are you?”  Jonghyun forced out.

 

“Twenty-eight.” The man answered, expression brightening at Jonghyun’s question.  Jonghyun’s suspicions were confirmed. “My name is Lim Youngmin! It’s great to finally meet you! I’m a PhD student here studying Edo period literature. What about you? Are you a student here too?”

 

“No.” Jonghyun said, shaking his head quickly. “I’m- well it doesn’t really matter. Thanks for showing up, I guess.”

 

Youngmin opened his mouth to say something else up Jonghyun was already turning away, walking out of the shelves and down the stairs to leave the library. It was almost comical how much destiny had screwed him over. In the depths of his heart, Jonghyun had always assumed that his soulmate had died in an accident or something before Jonghyun had gotten the chance to meet him, leaving Jonghyun stumble through life on and on until he was fortunate enough to meet the same fate. But it wasn’t like that. Twenty-eight years old.  Barely more than a quarter of a century old.  He knew the man couldn’t help when he had been born, but it was hard not to hate him for it.  As he walked out the front door of the library Jonghyun registered footsteps frantically hurrying after him.  A hand caught his wrist as he tried to turn down the street off of campus.

 

“I’m sorry!”  He heard Youngmin plead.  “Did I offend you? Do you need to go somewhere? Can I at least get your name and add you on Kakao before go?”

 

Giving up, Jonghyun turned back to him.  He didn’t know if he should cry or laugh in the face of this boy who was chasing him so desperately. 

 

“I don’t have Kakao.” He told Youngmin dryly.

 

“It’s-It’s okay!” Youngmin said quickly. “Line then?”

 

Jonghyun shook his head.

 

“Insta?”

 

“Don’t have it.”

 

“Twitter? FB? Whatsapp?” Youngmin listed what must have been every form of SNS he could think of.  “Just tell what you do have and I’ll add you!”

 

“I don’t have any of them.” Jonghyun told him.  It was easy to get away from using social media when there was no one you wanted to connect with.

 

“Phone number then?”  Youngmin asked desperately.

 

“Don’t have that either.”

 

Youngmin stared at him incredulously.  “Are you... trying to mess with me?”

 

Jonghyun smiled in spite of himself.  What was he supposed to do with this person?  “I wish I was.”

 

“Then how can I contact you?” Youngmin asked earnestly.  “We’re soulmates.  We need to get to know each other so we can-”

 

“Do we?” Jonghyun cut him off before he could embarrass himself by going further.

 

“Of course!” Youngmin said after blinking several times in apparent confusion. “That’s the whole point! We’re soulmates! We need each other!”

 

“I was fine without you up until now.” Jonghyun countered.

 

“But…” Youngmin spluttered, evidently never having anticipated this argument. Then a bit of realization seemed to dawn on him and his eyes softened.  “Did… did you have to wait for me for a long time..?”

 

“Only a thousand years or so.”  Jonghyun couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.  Youngmin was stuck dumb.  Jonghyun resumed walking, and fortunately Youngmin shock immobilized him long enough for Jonghyun to get enough of a lead to lose him.

 

*

 

Jonghyun never saw his soulmate again.  The wonderful thing about big, modern cities was that it was easy to get lost in them. Jonghyun didn’t regret walking away from his soulmate.  Surely, after all the people who had left him over the course of his life, he was entitled to walk out on someone just once.

 

The next few decades went by blessedly quickly. Although maybe it just seemed that way in comparison to the rest of his life.  It was oddly comforting to see his body start to wear out.  He found himself smiling every time he found a new wrinkle on his face.  Finally, Jonghyun lay in a hospital bed, machines whirring around him, knowing that the end was coming soon.  Jonghyun wondered if there was an afterlife, like many people liked to believe.  He hoped there wasn’t.  He had already had enough of life this time around, surely it would be too cruel to give him more. Even though he missed the family he barely remembered, and missed Minhyun even though he didn’t want to, Jonghyun didn’t want to see them again.  The past was in the past, and Jonghyun was tired. So tired.

**Author's Note:**

> Kusazoshi are illustrated books popular among the common people during the Edo period, considered by some scholars as the predecessors of manga. I wanted to make sure Jonghyun was still a nerd. 
> 
> My idea for this AU changed a lot as I worked on it. The original idea was completely different, and it kept changing from there. 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr:  
> https://nyoungpeach.tumblr.com/
> 
> Twitter:  
> https://twitter.com/jjr_hyun
> 
> And Curious Cat:  
> https://curiouscat.me/tsubame_go


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